so tired...

i just became so tired of being the reliable one...the funny one...the cheerful one...cause nobody takes me seriously...hahaha...

so effing tired of people using me to get to know somebody...specially hotter chicks...i am tired of being a friend...i am so tired of being used as a substitute when all else fails...am tired of being plan z...cause am not even good enough to be plan b...am tired of being singled out all the time unless there's no one else is around...am so effing tired of being someone else doormat...that people see me when they need me...but when they're all good...they totally forget all about me...

am tired of hearing secrets about me...am tired of people talking behind my back...so tired of hoping that by some love of the heavens...someone is really out there for me...so fucking tired of being someone everyone expects me to be...am so tired of loving and failing 'cause it always ends up me being hurt all the time...so tired of doing chores for people...

am tired of being the 'go-to' girl...am tired of being the girl nobody wants...just so effing tired of life...and how it makes a big fool out of me all the time...

tula ni meikan

ano ba ang alam ko sa malayang pamamahayag?
-meikan-

matagal akong napaisip at napatanga
ano nga ba ang alam ko sa kalayaan
ano ba ang alam ko sa pamamahayag
marahil nga wala akong alam

ang tanging nasa isip ko lang
ay ang mga mamamahayag na napatay
ang mga reporter na nawawala
ang mga tagalathala na nakulong
marahil nga wala akong alam sa kalayaan

ang alam ko lang ay nagbabaga ang aking mga kamay
umaagos sa isip ko ang mga sigaw
ng katotohonang nais kumawala
ng mga kasinungalingang kinamumulatan ng mundo
marahil nga wala akong alam sa kalayaan

ano nga ba ang alam ng isang tulad ko?
na ang ikot ng mundo ay iba sa alam mo
na ang mga tunay na nangyayari'y pinagtatakpan nila
oo, yun lang ang alam ko

kalayaan? marahil diyan ay wala akong alam
pero may nais akong ikwento sa iyo
ang mga buhay at pamumuhay ng mga tao
na lumalaban para makuha ang malayang pamamahayag
oo, yan lang ang tanging alam ko...

may araw din sila

sa bawat palo, sa bawat pagbigwas, sa bawat hampas
may araw din sila...
sa bawat bala, sa bawat saksak, sa bawat pananamantala
may araw din sila...
sa bawat galos, sa bawat sugat at sa bawat bali ng katawan
may araw din sila...
sa mga taong nawawala, sa mga di na makita
may araw din sila...
sa bawat buhay na nawala, sa pamilyang lumuha
may araw din sila...

sa bawat taong namumulat
sa bawat taong bumabalikwas
sa bawat pilipinong lumalaban
darating ang araw nila...

darating ang araw ng paniningil...

happy bday to me!

technically...bukas pa birthday koh (nov 14)...but heck...ok lang yan...i won't have time to update something on my blog anyway...i have a lot of celebrations to attend since di lang naman ako ang mgbbirthday sa family at friends koh...first is my own celebration...a very good friend from dubai will even fly home just to be with us...ahehehe..then my mom on the 16th so family affair mode ito...then 18 is another celebration of my birthday with special someone *yiheeeee*...then my official party on the 19th that's gonna be at toper's place...weeeeeeeeeeeeeee...drink til you drop ang theme...kaya sa mga pupunta di pedeng di kau malalasing...wahahahaha....

til then...

am gonna be older...and am so hoping that am also a year wiser...

work, work, work...

i have been on queue for almost 2 hrs now...but i dunno why, for the love of heavens, that i still do not have a call...hahaha...i am not complaining since i get to have this 'petiks mode'...2 hours of waiting is paid anyway...so i should be more thankful than complain about it...hehehe...

*********************

hahaha...first call...less than 9 secs...i wasn't even finished with my opening spiel then the customer hang up...crap...another number to catch up to...aaaarrrrgggghhhh...

2nd call...finally a sale...i know i will have ah 50% conversion rate but it is still not enough since i need to make up for the days that i wasn't able to sell that much...aaaaarrrgggghhhh...i hope my next call will be a sale again...ahehehe....

third call...i so effing thought he's gonna sign up for a toll free number...my ears are practically clapping the hell out of my head when he said that all he wants is to have multiple voicemail boxes for his EXISTING toll free number...aaaarrrrgggghhhh....so much for trying to raise my conversion rate...deym....

*********************

today is already october 11, 2008...(manila time)...

today is the 2nd death anniversary of my dad...everything seems to happen just yesterday, i can still remember hearing his voice when i last talked to him, i can still remember all the times that we argued, laughed, cried and hugged...i miss him so much and yet life still has to move on...all i need to do is to celebrate his life through mine...i will always miss him and i know i will always seek for his guidance specially now in my adult life...

my dad has been my greatest fan, my strong confidante and one of the few people in this world that loves me unconditionally...i remembered the last time that i hugged him, the last time that i said i love him and the last time that he said he loves me...i will always be papa's girl...

we were only given 20 years to be with each other but that 20 years are more than enough to last 3 lifetimes of memory and loved showed by my dad...he will forever be the best dad for me...yes he may not be perfect but when it comes to the amount of love that he have given to everyone, he is the best...

para sa'yo...kasama

i remember when i first met rachelle...it was on a cegp's workshop at ocean pearl in cebu...both of us were newbies at our respective publications...after all the lectures and activities some of us opted to stay at the resort and get to know each other...there i laughed and bonded with her for the first time...then series of events led us to be close and eventually treat each other like sisters...

rachelle has always been a witty companion...there will never be a dull moment as long as rachelle is around...we were often mistaken as sisters since we're both "chubby"...we had a lot of fun moments together after meetings, after workshops, rallies, press cons and other activities...you might not even look at her as someone that is so serious since we have more 'kulitans' than serious moments...

another thing that rachelle is known for is her will to help the people...to reach out to the oppressed masses, farmers, workers and serve the people...we often talk about in what ways will we able to serve the people...and if ever there were instances that discourages us we always comes down to one statement 'serve the people' then all of our worries are gone...it has been her drive force in her daily life...she lived, breathed and existed to serve the people...

i remember the day when i last saw rachelle...she just got elected as the new editor of vital signs and i was there as a panel to conduct an interview for their new members...after a lot of deliberations and talks, we ate dinner and i think i hugged her before i left...never did i thought that it may be the last time that i will see her smile back at me...i never imagined her to be lifeless, to be just a mere memory of what she used to be....

it hurts me that she is being tagged as an armed rebel...and if ever she is, i cannot blame her with the way our society and government continues to oppress the masses...she lived to serve...she died amidst of the people that she chose to serve...she is and will forever be a hero to the people...i know that when i look at the eyes of every struggling farmer, worker, and even a sidewalk vendor i will see in them rachelle's passion for the people...

i am giving my highest tribute and admiration to my friend, sister and comrade rachelle...you will always be in our thoughts and forever in our hearts...

rachelle mae palang...(1986-2008)

justice for rachelle mae palang!

September 24, 2008

PRESS STATEMENT

Justice for Rachelle Mae Palang (1986-2008),

press freedom fighter and nurse for the people

The College Editors Guild of the Philippines, in behalf of its National Office, regional formations and chapters, all member publications and affiliate organizations nationwide and across the globe, expresses its most heartfelt condolences to the family, friends and colleagues of Rachelle Mae Palang (1986-2008).

Rachelle, or Mae-Mae to her closest friends and colleagues, was beloved to the Guild for her bubbly, tongue-in-cheek demeanor. She graced the Guild's gatherings with her easy banter and infectious smile, but was always brisk and business-like in her leadership. She has served as a valuable pillar and driving force in all of the conventions and gatherings she has attended and helped organize. To most Guilders, she was not only a colleague but a precious friend and confidante.

Shock for her untimely demise are evident in her Friendster and Multiply accounts, riddled with comments ranging from disbelief, grief, and even anger – all directed at her, as if to attest that even at the time of her death her friends and colleagues still go to her for conciliation.

Such was Mae-Mae's legacy and brand of leadership. She has always been easy to approach, a rational adviser and generous in her time and efforts.

Mae-Mae was also an outstanding student at the Velez College in Cebu City where she took up and finished her nursing degree. She became editor-in-chief of Vital Signs, the official campus publication. As campus journalist and student leader, she exemplified deep commitment to uphold press freedom, freedom of speech and students' democratic rights and welfare. She is respected by her fellow campus journalists nationwide for her wit, intelligence and sharp grasp of issues.

She was elected as Vice President for the Visayas during CEGP's 67th National Student Press Convention and 33rd Biennial Student Press Congress held in Albay, Bicol in 2005. She served her term for three consecutive years before she finally relinquished her post May of this year. The CEGP will without end be honored and grateful to have had someone as dedicated as Mae-Mae as one of its leading officers.

Mae-Mae worked hard to help re-open closed campus publications, establish student papers in universities who had none, and expose and fight campus press freedom violations as well as other forms of campus repression nationwide. She led, organized and participated in countless poetry readings, cultural nights, Writers' Trips, journalist skills workshops and protest actions and activities. Even after her stint as VP for the Visayas, she proved instrumental in gathering and collating cases of campus press freedom violations in the region for CEGP's quarterly digest.

Mae-Mae had to cut short her attendance in CEGPs' 68th National Student Press Convention and 34th Biennial Student Press Congress in Davao City for her scheduled nursing licensure exams in May 2008. She passed with flying colors and eventually became a registered nurse. Even before she left, she announced to the Guild her desire to pursue an alternative medical career, one that she would devote to the less-privileged. Mae-Mae also took and passed the National Medical Admission Test. She dreamt of becoming a doctor.

It therefore did not come as a surprise to the Guild to learn that upon achieving her nursing license Mae-Mae immediately volunteered for a three-month medical mission to the hinterlands of Negros. Mae-Mae barely finished her volunteer work in Negros when her dreams died with her.

Mae-Mae was killed by elements of the Armed Forces of the Philippines on September 18, 2008 in an alleged encounter with New People's Army rebels. Her face was barely recognizable; she was shot at point-blank range. Her feet and legs were black and bruised, signs of torture evident elsewhere in her beaten body.

Mae-Mae's untimely demise reminds the Guild all too painfully of the same fate that another CEGP alumna suffered under the hands of the AFP.

In April 2002, Benjaline 'Beng' Hernandez, former CEGP Vice-President for Mindanao and a human rights volunteer, was murdered by the military while conducting a fact-finding mission in Cotabato province. Investigations revealed that the AFP, after wounding Beng, raped and shot her at close range. The AFP later on insisted that Beng was an NPA rebel.

Beng, like Mae-Mae, was also only 22 years old when she died.

The CEGP condemns in strongest terms accusations and insinuations by the AFP that Mae-Mae was armed and a combatant. She was in Negros in her capacity as a registered nurse and circumstances surrounding her brutal killing should be independently investigated.

The CEGP, in this regard, welcomes initiatives by the Commission on Human Rights Regional Office to conduct an investigation on Mae-Mae's case.

The CEGP is also reviled at the AFP's gall to celebrate Mae-Mae's death by bestowing incentives and acclaim to her killers. It is an awful and terrible reminder of the state and characteristic of our security forces. They who are supposed to protect civilians are the main enemies of human rights defenders and social workers.

The CEGP also condemns in strongest terms the AFP's malicious attempts to malign the Guild's name through red-tagging and nasty insinuations. It is precisely this kind of twisted mentality that gives license to the military to repress, harass, silence and kill with impunity. Journalists are easily treated and branded as rebels simply because they are exposed to the ills of society.

The CEGP calls on all its member publications and fellow journalist organizations nationwide and abroad to collectively wield their pens and raise their voices to denounce Mae-Mae's killers.

The CEGP regards the likes of Beng and Mae-Mae as heroes of the present generation, young martyrs who have chosen to exchange their lives of comfort for their noble convictions.

Highest tribute to Rachelle Mae Palang!

Justice for Beng and Mae-Mae!

Reference:

Vijae Alquisola, National President, 09162034402

3 years....

3 YEARS....

TOO LONG TO BREAK...

I HOPE AND I PRAY...

THAT YOU'LL FIND YOUR WAY BACK TO ME...

-08172005-

useful

am employed again [brownie points for me...weeeeeeee...] will officially start working at the new office on aug 26...weeeeeeeeeee...now am useful again...hahaha...

can't wait til aug 26...

mamusil lageh ka???

gawa ito ng kapatid kong nagaaral sa feu...nagandahan ako at naantig sa kanyang ginawa....

http://mondayrequiem.deviantart.com

i am no sugar queen

this entry is supposed to be about me being so angry and outraged...this is supposed to be about something that made me very upset. i was supposed to feel much hate right now and i should put into words the anger in me. i was in the middle of typing the title when a small IM window appeared with your name on it.

u buzzed me [LOL]...seeing your name changed everything. the buzz was like a wake up call saying 'hey bhie, am here...you don't have to feel upset anymore.' thinking and upon realizing it made me feel better to the point where i can't even remember what made me so angry (even if i do remember, it made no difference to me anymore - i'm happy now and full of joy so i have nothing to worry about). then you called me and made everything better with our conversation, with our laughter and even the silence - just the thought that you're just a whisper away made everything so calm and serene. you brought order in my life just when chaos was about to break loose. i was on the verge of breaking down and you just walked in and my entire universe snapped back into focus. nobody has ever made that much impact in me except you. with you everything seems to be okay, where i have nothing bad to think about.

all of these makes me feel secured and scared at the same time. scared that i might hold on too tight that i may never wanna let go when the right time comes. with what we have i am just hoping for the best and expecting the worst. i never planned on feeling something this deep for someone. if you can remember i tried hiding away from you. but now the forces of nature is just making up ways to keep us close. i keep making up excuses about things are never going to work out and just excluding myself from the fact that what we are feeling is true. i always pointed out the wrong things about us - the wrong things about you but day by day something amazing keeps on happening. never have i ever seen something so marvelous unravel right before me until now. i am now seeing the beauty of your heart - something i wanna keep til my dying day.

the thought of 'us' was supposed to be a mere escape from my own hurts and fears about relationships. but you've proven me wrong when you just made me feel that you can take care of me more that what i was expecting and more than what i wanted. you kept me close when i was struggling to be far from you, so close that we almost think alike. thank you for making me realize that i was so wrong about us - thank you for bringing so much grace in me that i never thought i can just let things pass by when it gets rowdy and chaotic. just like what i texted you earlier - thank you for always making me smile.

people said with the fast pace of my feelings i might end up having nobody with me - and sometimes i walk among them and their opinion about me. but having you made all the difference...my belief about life, beauty, art, the world and myself came back to me...my life found its meaning. i never even thought i can write like this again. i was merely living day by day when you came and now you make me look forward to the future. thank you for bringing me back the words to me, for making them speak to me again.

I
L
O
V
E
Y
O
U
S
O
M
U
C
H

sunsets...

for more sunsets, sunrise, sunshines and storms together...
071208

credits:
thanks for my ever trusted digicam for the pics...
thanks for the delay of the bus ride..i get to catch the sunset!
thank you la union for such beautiful sunsets...

everything...

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

-by lifehouse...

awakening

IT WILL NEVER BE THE TRIUMPH NOR VICTORY THAT WILL COMPLETE ME...

BECAUSE WHEN THE TIME COMES THAT I HAVE EVERYTHING, ALL I WANT IS JUST A MOMENT OF CLARITY...

FOR IN THAT INSTANT THERE WILL ONLY BE ONE THING THAT WILL BE APPARENT TO ME...

I AM FROM NOW ON AND FOREVER WILL BE IN LOVE WITH YOU.

missing....

never have i felt the depth of missing someone til now.

i stared at the blankness of my walls, the emptiness of my room and the hallowness of my bed...as if am looking for any of your traces...

i never felt something this strong until the realization of our separation sunk into my senses...i have been looking all over for anything that would remind me of 'us'...but i guess i have taken it for granted for i can't find anything that would really define what we were...it was sad because for the first time, i felt that i have never given enough attention and love to 'us'...it just made everything seemed worse...

i never missed someone so bad that it would keep me up late and think of you over and over until it aches. my heart is being tortured by the fact that you aren't here to fix it, that we both got tired of fixing things. i never saw your significance in me until i felt myself longing for your presence because somehow i got used of you being always here and i have always relied on you being with me.

i just wish that everytime i close my eyes and think of you, i can pick you up from my dreams and just be with you then feel the warmth of your embrace...

i miss you...

sows boring!!!!!

24

it was less than 24 hours...for less than 24 hours i felt almost every emotion that can be felt by someone...i never even thought it was possible...but that was the way u made me feel...

it started out as happy that turned to being overwhelmed then excited...it felt warm, i felt calm and it felt right...the thought of 'us' felt right...as the seconds ticks i can feel myself enjoying every bit of the time for everything seems to be going well and more than what i expected...

in less than 24 hours i felt sadness, my heart broke into the tiniest pieces...what i thought was right now felt so wrong...i blamed myself for scaring you away...i told you i got tired of playing games but there you were toying with what i feel...it was as if i was splashed with ice cold water then warm water almost just as fast. i felt numb and shocked, there must be something that i have done to make u drift away...

and in less than 24 hours i finally learned to accept things that it just wasn't meant to be...you have your reasons so i have no authority to squeeze it out of you...

after the roller coaster ride of the 'less than 24 hours' experience we are back to what we were before...friends and chums, which is am grateful for because you are my friend and making you smile is one of the things that brings warmth in my heart...

resbak...

isinulat ko ang tulang umuunlad na daw ang pilipinas noong october 2005...

2008 nakita ang resulta ng 'pagunlad' na sinasabi ni gloria...mataas na presyo ng bilihin, mas kaunting bigas at pagkain sa hapag ng bawat juan dela cruz. mas lalong humirap ang mga pilipino, mas malalang krisis sa pamumuno ni la gloria. ang mga babala ng kritiko ay di niya pinakinggan, ang sigaw ng mga tao sa lansangan ay di niya inalintana, ang mga taong dala ang boses ng masa ay pinagsawalang bahala kaya dito umabot ang sitwasyon.tadtad pa ng kasinungalingan ang binabandera ng administrasyong arroyo.saan na lang dadamputin ang bawat pilipinong hikahos sa panahong ito, na pati ang sardinas at noodles ay di na rin kaya abutin ng kanilang kakaunting kita.

itinuturing nang 'panlipunang sakit' si gloria, arroyo disease kung tawagin. nasaan si gloria sa mga ganitong panahon na kailangan siya ng mga taumbayan, sa gitna ng kabi-kabilang krisis at eskandalo? tama bang magtago na lang sa malacanang at hayaan na lang ang mga 'galamay' niya ang makiharap sa mga taong pinangakuan niya ng kaunlaran.iba talaga ang staying powers ni gloria pero darating din ang araw ng mga tao, ikaw nga nila bilog ang gulong bababa ka rin at babagsak ka sa mga kasalananat utang mo sa mga tao.

panahon na kumilos, di na sapat ang makibalita na lang at makinig. di na maari ang magsawalang-bahala ang lahat dahil kakaunti na lang ay darating na ang panahon na delubyo ang hatid ng malawakang krisis na ito. di na maaring nasa loob na lamang tayo ng ating mga tahanan. nasa lansangan ang laban ng bawat masang pilipino...wag kayong mag-alala di kau nag-iisa.

Sonnet LXXXI ("And now you're mine...")

And now you're mine. Rest with your dream in my dream.
Love and pain and work should all sleep, now.
The night turns on its invisible wheels,
and you are pure beside me as a sleeping amber.

No one else, Love, will sleep in my dreams. You will go,
we will go together, over the waters of time.
No one else will travel through the shadows with me,
only you, evergreen, ever sun, ever moon.

Your hands have already opened their delicate fists
and let their soft drifting signs drop away; your eyes closed like two gray
wings, and I move

after, following the folding water you carry, that carries
me away. The night, the world, the wind spin out their destiny.
Without you, I am your dream, only that, and that is all.

- Pablo Neruda -

shout out

i wanna shout out loud
ILOVEYOU!!!

cebu....

HOME = CEBU

Tug War

Nakapulupot ang dulo ng lubid
sa aking mga kamay.
Sa kabila, ikaw.
Hinahatak kita pabalik
sa akin. Hindi alam
kung yayakapin
o iiyakan.

Hinahatak kita pabalik.
At nagpapakirot
sa loob ang pangamba
na bibitiw ka. Hapdi
itong hindi mapapawi
ng taling ngumangabngab
sa mga palad.

Nakapulupot ang dulo
ng lubid sa mga kamay
at pulso. Silong nagbilibid
sa akin sa iyo. Dalamhati
itong aking tinatanganan
mula pa nang una
at hindi ako bibitaw.


*naantig ako...
http://www.tabulas.com/~soulfly

rough draft

eto po yung rough draft ng blog entry ko

nabasa ko minsan na ang bolpen ng isang writer ay laspag, kawawa at madalas nauubusan na lang ng tinta. mahirap daw kasi habulin ang nasa isip dahil kung gaano kasi kadalas ito dumating ay isang iglap din itong nawawala. ngayon ampanget ng sulat ko dahil hinahabol ko ang nasa utak ko. nahihirapan na nga akong isulat ng mabilisan baka di ko na maabutan. kumbaga sa bolpen, nagtatae ng husto ang aking tinta...tumatapon, kumakalat at dumudumi ngayon sa papel na ito ang mga nasa loob ng utak ko. di kasi ako ganun kabilis magtype kaya papel at bolpen muna bago ko isalin sa blog ko ---- na ngayon ay binabasa mo. ayan na, nagsisimula na akong maging interactive sa mga nagbabasa ng blog ko. hahaha!! (kung may nagbabasa man!)

sa totoo lang naunahan na naman ako ni diwa, di ko na siya naabutan, wawa naman ako. pero ok lang kasi dumudugo pa rin naman ang bolpen ko. actually, bolpen ito ng kapatid ko - isang uni pin fine line 0.1 - dinekwat ko sa kanyang napakakyut na mint green na pencil case. napapahinto na ako ng konti sa pagsusulat kasi medyo nagiisip na ulet ako sa magiging daloy ng entry na ito.

pakiramdam ko sa tuwing mauunahan ako ng takbo ng utak ko eh parang di ko alam kung saan ko ipupuwesto ang sarili ko.

naalala ko tuloy noong 4th yr highschool ako. transferee ako nun, walang kahit sinong kakilala sa eskwelahan bukod sa mga kapatid at sa vice pricipal (sa papel eh puro bura bura na at may edit pang irrelevant..nyahahaha). ganung pakiramdam na 1st day sa eskuwelahan na wala kang alam sa mga taong nandun at gusto mo na lang maupo sa isang sulok - kasi di mo alam ang lugar mo.

*edit edit bura bura*

pag di ko talaga mahabol si diwa ay naliligaw ako ng bonggang bongga pati na rin ang mga katha ko. gaya ngayon di ko alam kung paano tatapusin.

sa totoo lang nagtatae pa rin ng tinta ang bolpen na hawak ko. parang marami pa siyang gustong sabihin pero di makawala ang mga titik. marahil sa iba pang mga sulatin...pwedeng kapatid ko ang kasama niyang sumulat at maaring di ko na rin ito ibalik para maging "official katha-maker" ni inah. inaantok na ako at di ko na rin halos mabasa ang sarili kong sulat kaya ipapark ko muna ang pen ko (parang elementary lang na sumasagot ng slambook tccic, japan at italy)

st.zanjoe marudo *pray for us*
st.jake cuenca *pray for us*
st.gym instructor *pray for us*

pakpak

sana
lahat
ng tao
paru-paro...

and deliver us from all children...
AMEN

silent raptures

it was some days ago that i looked into your eyes and found the meaning that i have been searching for.

the soft scent of your hair weaving its way into my conciousness.

i never thought completeness can come so gently yet fully such as this. speechless ecstacy. silent raptures...

you kissed me on the cheeks. i think i blushed. it was a good thing nobody saw us.

it is funny how realization comes again and again, each time more intense, each time more gripping.

in those moments when we can actually pretend that the rest of the world is a million miles away...

it seems that i have found what being complete means...

only when i am with you.

x marks the spot

you hit me where it matters the most and x marks the spot

i know i was a fool. fools do stupid things and i've had my share. all because i was so afraid of being hurt again... or perhaps being hurt for the first time.

there are little children i know that are afraid of the dark because they do not want to see things in it. so afraid of something they have not even seen, that they literally fall apart if left alone by themselves. i never though that i could be so much like a child. when i lost you that was when i finally realized what i was...

yes, i was afraid of being hurt. i have read too many novels about love, heard too many friends' love stories, seen them break down right before my very eyes. told myself, as much as i can i would never want to be like that. i am mature and strong, and even minded enough not to fall into that snake pit. so i made very long wooden stakes, concrete walls as high as they could go. they were suppose to keep all else out... but they ended up keeping me in.

so one day you came and i did not notice much of you. just another face in the crowd. how wrong i was. a year later you were still with me, showing me that gem of a heart of yours. i got confused and set to distance away...

and just in time to realize what it was. the thing that i was distancing myself was what i was needing. you showed me how much you love me by letting me go... and my heart melted, right then and there.

i am not as blue as before, i smile every now and then. the reason is that something hit me. and X marks the spot.

new version of boy friends

these are the guys that makes me smile...i know this is not the original post but some of these guys were complaining that i don't have the right pic and some of them were selos because they are not in the original list....nyahehehehe...



this is my babe jake...he's the sweetest, hottest, sexiest and funniest guy ever...watch out pinas...he's gonna be our next heartthrob...nyahehehehe...and am his number one fan!


nathan is currently one of my favorite guys...nyahehehe...he's super kulet and super funny...never fails on making me smile...


genki...i like seeing him in his school uniform...weeee...makes me think of the guys in tokyo drift...nyahehehehe...


my religion...nyahehehehe...sebastian aka prommy is a very talented musician ever...am glad he's one of my friends...


shoti jude...my pasaway li'l bro...chickboy pero sabi niya goodboy na daw siya ngayon...nyahehehehe...


yuan...one of the good looking guys at sows boring...i love it when he's shirtless...ahahaha...pero madaming beses na akong pinagtanggol nito...


the inlove marky boi...hahahaha...one of the funniest guys that i know...


jube...errrr....i've been inlove with this guy for a long time...until i saw his younger bro...nyahahaha...


he complained why his pic was unappealing...nyahahahaha...miss this guy...

these are the guys that are important to me...will definitely kick ass for these people...

an open letter to 'tay (hope it reaches him)

dear 'tay,

eto na naman tayo...minsan sinabi mo sa akin na sa panahong malungkot, naguguluhan, naiinis o nagagalit ako ay panghawakan ko lang ang bagay na alam kong malakas ako. sa pagsusulat ko nakita ang lakas at tiwala sa sarili na hindi kailanman naibigay ng mundo sa akin, dito alam kong di ako bibitawan at hindi ako mauubusan ng maisusulat hangga't gumagana ang utak ko. tama ka rin, darating ang araw na mawawala ka sa tabi ko pero hindi ibig sabihin no'n ay di na kita pwede sabihan kung ano man ang nangyayari sa buhay ko. kaya nga heto ako ngayon, nagbabaka sakali na kahit alam kong marami kang ginagawa ay baka mabasa mo pa ito.

namimiss kita, aaminin ko yun. namimiss ko ang mga kulitan, kwentuhan, asaran at laro natin. namimiss ko ang mga araw na ngiti mo lang ang nagpapakumpleto sa buhay ko, at sa bawat pagkakataon na mahahawakan ko ang mga kamay mo ay alam kong ligtas ako. alam ko meron na tayong kanya-kanyang buhay pero sana alam mong naging masaya ako na naging bahagi ka ng buhay ko. alam ko wala na ang bawat minutong pagtetext at oras oras na telebabad pero masaya ako at minsan ay nagkakaron tayo ng pagkakataon para makapag kwentuhan.

'tay ngayon naguguluhan ako, hinahanap ko yung mga pagkakataong alam mo ang solusyon sa lahat. yung tinitignan mo pa lang ako ay alam mo na kung anong problema ko at kung pano ko malulusutan iyon. hindi na kasi ako yung parehong inah na nakilala mo. hindi na rin ako yung hinahanap mo nung nakaraan. ikaw na mismo ang nagsabi, bakit napakalungkot ng inah ngayon at bakit puno ng galit ang inah ngayon. kung bakit iba na ang ngiti ng inah ngayon at wala na ang mga mata ng dating inah. kahit ako hinahanap ko rin siya 'tay. kung pwede lang ako bumalik sa panahon, babalaan ko siya sa mga nangyayari ngayon para hindi na niya maranasan ang sakit na nandito sa loob ko.

nasaktan ako 'tay. di ko alam kung bakit sarili ko ang pinaparusahan ko sa sakit na dulot ng iba. di ko na alam kung saan hahanapin yung simpleng inah na gusto lang ang mga simpleng bagay. sana di na lang ako nagpadala sa mga bagay na akala ko ay mamahalin din ako, sa mga taong akala kong mamahalin din ako. dahil ngayon di ko na makita ang sarili ko sa bawat pagharap ko sa salamin, mukha ko ang nakikita ko pero hindi ako ang nakatingin sa sarili ko. hindi dahil inaakala nilang malakas ako ay kailangan nila akong saktan ng ganito dahil sa pagkakataong ito, di ko alam paano ako tatayo.

nagtataka ka siguro kung bakit sa 'yo ko ito sinusulat, kasi alam kong kilala mo ako. nakilala mo ako sa pinakamahinang panahon ng buhay ko at nandoon ka rin ng sinubukan kong simulan ulit ang buhay, yung kasama ka at nasa tabi kita. di ko naman hinihingi na bumalik ang dati pero nababawasan ang sama ng loob dahil alam kong mababasa mo din ito. alam kong may lugar pa rin naman ako sa iyo dahil ganon ka rin naman sa akin.

salamat sa pakikinig (pagbabasa na rin!)...


eto pa rin ako,
'nay...

napapamasaya

it was almost past midnight when we were talking about craziness and stuffs...i whispered in your ear...'alam mo napapamasaya mo ako'...we both laughed because there's no such word but we know what it means and what i want to say to you...then you smiled, the sweetest smile this world have seen and then you graced my whole existence...we were staring at the stars and naming it...you held my hand then tears fell from my eyes...you gently wiped it and told me you'll never leave me and i am a great friend...

you're the only thing that's right in my life right now...you know what's in my heart and what i feel for you...you know that but you chose for us to remain friends...leaving me clueless and out of place...it leaves me in oblivion as you promise to take care of me yet won't love me the way i want to...

the call you made now left me confused...you greeted me with 'hello girlfriend' and i said 'hi boyfriend' and ended the call with 'can't wait to see you'...am i still a friend?

now am staring at you as we discuss an important event and as you look at me you gave me a wink then i just gave you a faint smile...am searching in your eyes where i am in your life...it's tearing every bit of me that i can't say it to you, can't ask it to you...

my heart is like a bowl of marble scattered all over the floor...you are helping me pick up the pieces and now that the bowl is almost full again, will you just walk away after making me feel full again?

but then again, 'napapamasaya mo ako diba?'

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

yuan, pypai, karen and michael

yuan...

saw him again today...i was surprised that he was not wearing a cap ( i always tease him and calls him 'april boy yuan')...i really like his new hair...he smiled a lot, laughed a lot...shouted a lot (at me ofcourse, arrrggggghhhhh) and made my arm bleed cause he pinched me sooooo hard...but no worries cause i bit him in return!!!!wahehehehe....but all in all i had fun hanging out with him again...i miss him and our kulitans...

pypai and karen

whe will i see you two???you have been in manila for a while and still we haven't had the chance to just hang...i miss our cebu days...i miss our fun time together and our all nighters...i miss working with bright minds like you girls...loveyah both...i hope we just stayed that way...i know i cannot keep you forever for we all belong to the people that we serve...

michael...

after a while i saw your name in my inbox...i missed seeing your endless smileys and our all nighter kulitans...i really wanna see you and hang out with you soon...together with your sis...miss yah both...

to bestfriend...you know what i wanna say na...hahaaaaayyyyy....

52 things about me...

1. The phone rings, who do you want it to be?

......si bestfriend...yeah so dawson's creek mode

2 . When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?

.....isn't it left at the counter or parking lot?

3. If you had to kiss again the last person you kissed, would you?

.....yeah....

4. Do you take compliments well?

.....it really depends on what kind of comment

5. Do you play Sudoku?

....i even downloaded it in my phone...so fun and 'mind bottling'

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness would you survive?

....as long as i have my cellphone and it is under coverage

7 . If your house were on fire, what would be the thing you would save?

....my important docus...and the pc!lolz

8. Who was the last person you slept in the bed with?

.....little bro maui...

9. Who do you text the most now?

.....am kinda into gtxt mode...so i text everyone in my phonebook...lolz

10 . Favorite children's book?

.....the chronicles of narnia

11 . Eye color?

.....dark brown?

12. How tall are you?

.....5'5

13. If you could do it over again,start from scratch, would you

.....errrrr...huh?

14. Any secret admirers?

.....if it is a secret how can i know it...darn...

15. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?

.....where the **** is that?!

16. Favorite ex..?

.....the exes that i am in friendly terms right now...nathan and merwin

17. Where was the farthest place you traveled?

....i think davao and then surigao if dito sa pinas....sunnyside ny....

18. Do you like mustard?

....in my hotdog sandwich...yeah....

19. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?

....i like doing both....

21. Do you miss anyone?

....yeah...

22. Can you do splits?

.....before in the field grounds of st.scho...hahaaaayyyy...elementary days....

23. What movie do you want to see right now?

....prince caspian...when are they gonna show it?!

24 . What did you do for New Year's Eve?

....fireworks display in san fernando la union

25 . Do you think The Grudge was crappy?

....yeah...but i think all horror films are crappy...

27. Was your mom a cheerleader?

....yeah...and so was i...deym...whatever happened to my figure

28. What's the last letter of your middle name?

....O

30. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?

....i sleep during wee hours of the morning...heheehe

35. What do you wear to sleep?

....oversized shirts...

37. Is your hair straight or curly?

....straight...sometimes wavy...

40. Do you like funny or serious people better?

....seriously funny people...

42 . What is on your mind right now?

....the project that i was offered....

43 . Any plans 4 tonight?

....finish full house..so that i can finally understand what was the full house craze was all about...i know i am 3 years late of watching it...

44 . Whats your fav. song at the moment?

....inside the mind of a killer...am so close to being one...

45 . Do you hate chocolate?

....am made of genetics and chocolate...so what do you think?

46 . What do you and your parents fight about the most?

...with me and my mom...my sleeping habits...with my parents...they can't fight if the other one is dead right?

47. Are you a stupid person?

.....am stupid...that's why i wanna learn...

48. Do you need a boyfriend/girl friend to be happy ?

....it depends...i need my girlfriends though...cause it is just sooo fun to be with them...

49 . If you could have any job what would it be?

....a field reporter or writer...i wanna be on the streets where the action is...

50. Are you easy to get along with?

....i think so...cause am literally a talkative person...

51. What is your favorite time of day?

....very early in the morning...like a little past midnight...that's when my mind works...

52 . Are you generally a happy person?

.....yeah...i laugh about anything and everything...


a friend posted the questions in the bulletin board of friendster...it was fun doing this...hehehehe