Friday, October 09, 2009

a daughter's love letter

Dear Papa,

It has been 3 years since you went back to the loving arms of God. I am at peace knowing that you are with Him. I wouldn't say that I am happy but thinking selfishly, I wish that we were given more time.

Papa I see your traces everywhere I look. There are a lot of things I wish I could say to you. I miss looking into your eyes and say 'estiopek'. I miss your hands, your voice, your advices, our story telling time, our 'walkings', our bonding, your hug and most of all, I miss hearing you say you love me.

I have lots of things I wish I could tell you right now. Papa, I am sorry if it often cross my mind that I don't need teaching in my life. I am sorry if I thought that you're correcting my mistakes just to humiliate me. I would give anything and everything to hear your advice on how to live my life. Papa i just realized that the more I grow up, the more that I need your guidance. I came to the point where I would look up in the sky and ask silently all the things that I wanna ask you. I often think, what would be your opinion about things and about my decisions. Papa even if I know that you cannot physically see what I am now, I wish that whatever I am and whatever I'll become that you'll be proud of me. I wish people could see that I am really your daughter through and through.

Papa I never thanked you enough on how much you loved all of us. You are the only person that I know in this world who have the capability to love as much as you did. Thank you for giving us your best and for being my superhero...for being much more than that. I thank God that i was born to be your daughter, because He gave me a father who loves me unconditionally. You are and will always be my first love. And I am going to make sure that i would let my future children know how amazing their Lolo's capacity to love people. I am hoping that I could somehow be like that.

Papa I know in time we will see each other again. I'll be able to see you eyes, your smile and hear your voice again. And when that time comes, we have eternity to talk about things and let each other feel how much we love each other. I am looking forward on that day. I love you Papa. You are always in my heart. I will always and forever be a proud Papa's girl. Estiopek Papa and I miss you.

Inah

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

the outsider...

i tried pouring my heart out to him...but he didn't seem to understand...

i've always thought of all the things that's been bothering me a lot lately...i've been thinking of the instances where i felt that i am an outsider...even to my own family...they seem to have this bond where i don't belong, this special tie that i don't fit in...

no, this not just a mere teenage angst..i am way too old for that...but something about everyone at home makes me feel that i am not welcome, that i am not part of it...

i have always been afraid to ask how come they always get the best while i get the excess...or of what was left over...i always think, maybe there will be my turn...but so far the waiting has not been worth it...they still get the best...and i still have the left overs...i am too scared to ask why do i always get the least in everything...it's more than just the things that they have...but even in the most minute details...i always get to be last...

haven't got the courage to say that i want more...that i deserve more...but i guess i still need to look in me and find that courage...

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

procrastinating...

i've been delaying things lately...hahaha...i know right...but am good with it...am cool...sabi nga ni janjan at ni joms...petiks lang...hahaha...

am not rushing into things...just letting the chips fall where they may... ;)

thanks for bringing hard core rock into my life again babe...hahaha...had so much head banging and encore jamming with your buds...had lotsa fun...we had lotsa fun...

and as you always say...since day one...we don't need to thank each other...as long as we're happy...as long as we're both cool...

being in a chillax relationship makes everything lighter and easier...i had too much drama that's why am just ready to unwind and get away from it all...

baguio...here i come... ;)

Saturday, May 30, 2009

-on hurting so much

i've begged a lot of times before...i've swallowed my pride and went as low as i can get just for the person i love...but how could someone be so cruel to test my love for you...i love you so much...that is so out of the question but doubting my love is like continuous stab on my heart...while wishing and hoping when will this be over...what you did feels like my heart was being ripped from my chest and torn til there was nothing else left...

i walked out today not because i want us to be over...i walked out because i am so hurting that i couldn't bear to see your face and tell you things that will only make me regret it...it's now my time to ask for some air and space so i can find in my self what are the right and beautiful things about us...

i love you so much and nothing will ever change that...but i hope someday you'll stop doubting and testing if i am for real...i am here to stay...for us...

no we are not yet over...am not gonna beg...am gonna fight for us because that makes me feel right...it completes me to the core of my being...you have my heart and you will forever have it...i love you so much...

Saturday, April 11, 2009

-of moving on and having life again...

it was a wake up call for me...being left stranded for a long time has been a hobby for me...it has been a comfort zone...i dwell on things that i shouldn't have and blame it to the person who have caused me the pain. it never occurred to me that happiness is a choice ergo being miserable is also a choice...

it was then i realized that i have friends who cares a lot about me, who accepts me just as i am and who loves me and will be there no matter how sticky things may be. they are my source of happiness and my heart is just overwhelmed with joy that they have given me...i finally saw what i thought would complete me is just a mere illusion of how i want my life would be...

am gonna take things one baby step at a time...i have been in love with the idea of love, not really with the person...i have been searching for someone who can fill the emptiness in me but i only realized that am just removing from my heart things and people that really matters...i've learned to teach myself to grow up to prepare myself for the day when i will finally meet 'someone better'...

it has been a long time since i viewed life like this...a very long time since i mattered like this...and i love the way i wake up each day with a smile and a positive outlook...my happy ending is just somewhere but i am in no hurry to reach it...i have a lot of things to experience and the whole world to explore so from now on am gonna stop wondering what if...am just gonna look forward on what life would bring... :)

Sunday, April 05, 2009

random blurbs....

i was staring at the monitor...listening to random songs...chatting with my davey (*hugs*)...then i remembered you...i thought of your eyes...the way you blink...the way you run your fingers through your hair and the little curl on your lips as you smile...it struck me again...you're no longer mine...it is sad that you did not realize how much i love you...

*******
well last friday i had a lot of fun and beer...can't even go down the stairs without the help of dino & james! hahaha... but it's all good...we had a lot of fun and that's all that matters...thanks to tl jesse, james, zeig, marf, janet, kat, aic, dino, jc, sherwin, amer & vivek for the company...and for making me so effin drunk...hahaha...am looking forward on our next session of 'never have i ever'....hahaha...it was so funny and it's what got me drunk in the first place...hahaha...

*******
well just for fun...i created some fansigns for my friend's blog...he said he's gonna show it on his next entry....pero pambasag lang ng moment...am gonna post my fansigns for him! labshue neyt! hahaha...














Sunday, March 22, 2009

mhycmerized...

you had me waiting for more than an hour...i was freakingly annoyed...i was about to give up but the thought of smacking you head on made a better sense so i decided to be a little patient...then you texted me that you're almost there...i was so nervous yet still mad...my feet aches as i browsed through some books at the nearby bookstore...i was thinking 'i waited for almost 2 hours, now it's time for him to wait'...but still, malakas ka lang siguro sa kin, i arrived on the dot where you were...you were just staring at me and i gave you an annoyed look...you looked up and smiled...

that was it...

you had me...

i was mhycmerized...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

eheads...


janet...moi...amer...leng and kat...


3 groups rolled into one...

groups one and two...


as if may pinaguusapan tlga...


rak en roll....


happy to be here...


group pics...


weeeee...


peace out!


hehehe...


japan japan!


smileyyyyy....

i know...we haven't taken pics of eheads...hahaha...so silly of us...but it was a night of fun & rak en roll...enjoyed it til the last song...hahaha...

Saturday, March 07, 2009

no longer good at this

it has been a while since i poured my heart into this. it has been a while since i last placed something note worthy here. it has been a while since i became the real me. i would rather drown myself to things that i thought matters, things that i never really cared about when i was still the real me.

i miss the bliss of innocence every time i look at another person's eyes. i miss the heartfelt smile, the genuine smile that i normally have on my face. i miss the people that really matter in my life, i miss their presence and their unconditional love. i miss being the girl that i was, not the girl that i've become.

a very close friend recently asked me, "inah kamusta? in a real sense na kamusta?". i wanted to cry when i realized what was the right answer. i told him "Empty" and a drop of tear fell from my eye. i wanted to hug him so tight and plead to save me. i want things to be alright again, i want to be alright again. i want to have the sense of security, the feeling of comfort and knowing that i belong. i am continuously drowning in a glass of water that i can't find my way up.

i have been hiding from this face for a long time, i have been running away from the pain and making everyone believe (including myself) that i am fine and that i am strong. i am so scared to face everything head on to jumpstart a new life. i want to claim who i was.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

no longer a call girl...

goodbye call center....

new job....new people...newfound friends...

it's time for beer....lots and lots of beer...

soooo thirsty...wahahahaha!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

people that i miss...


...team anna puti...

...our slumber parties...

...a night of fun and a lot of sexy!


...challenged and happy days...

...team aila avanez!

my sows boring barkada....

...missing all the fun!

...and company

...most of all the friendship...

Monday, January 05, 2009

new year's resolution

no...this is not the usual i will not be... this year i will be...it will just contain a few words...3 words to be exact...not a list...

i will soar

done...