no longer good at this

it has been a while since i poured my heart into this. it has been a while since i last placed something note worthy here. it has been a while since i became the real me. i would rather drown myself to things that i thought matters, things that i never really cared about when i was still the real me.

i miss the bliss of innocence every time i look at another person's eyes. i miss the heartfelt smile, the genuine smile that i normally have on my face. i miss the people that really matter in my life, i miss their presence and their unconditional love. i miss being the girl that i was, not the girl that i've become.

a very close friend recently asked me, "inah kamusta? in a real sense na kamusta?". i wanted to cry when i realized what was the right answer. i told him "Empty" and a drop of tear fell from my eye. i wanted to hug him so tight and plead to save me. i want things to be alright again, i want to be alright again. i want to have the sense of security, the feeling of comfort and knowing that i belong. i am continuously drowning in a glass of water that i can't find my way up.

i have been hiding from this face for a long time, i have been running away from the pain and making everyone believe (including myself) that i am fine and that i am strong. i am so scared to face everything head on to jumpstart a new life. i want to claim who i was.