God's Gracious Gift

This is my four month old baby... This baby is the most amazing, wonderful and gracious gift to me by God... The first time I saw the figure my heart swelled up with joy and happiness... I was thinking, this is my baby and I will do everything in my power to make everything well, to be deserving of this kind of gift.

To my dearest baby,

You have changed my life in so many different ways today. You are worth all of the sacrifices and all of the things I've been through. I will never regret choosing you over my own happiness. You are and will forever be among the best thing life has given me. You are my own personal miracle. You don't even have to do anything to give me so much happiness except to beat your heart. Soon you will be moving your hands and your feet. You have no idea how much I am looking forward on meeting you, how excited I am to feel you in my arms, how I want to watch you sleep and to hear your soft breathing. You are the reason why I want to make things right and for me to be a better person.

The only thing I am scared of is to not being there for you. The only thing I am afraid of is when the time comes that I will not be there to protect you nor make you feel that I do not love you. I want you to know that loved you from the very first time I knew I will be having you. My whole being is over flowing with love that I have for you.

It will be just five months and I will be able to look into your face and thank God for each moment that I am blessed to have you in my life. I want you to know that God has been gracious to me that despite of all the shortcomings that I had He gave me the most precious gift which is you. I love you always and beyond forever.

a daughter's love letter

Dear Papa,

It has been 3 years since you went back to the loving arms of God. I am at peace knowing that you are with Him. I wouldn't say that I am happy but thinking selfishly, I wish that we were given more time.

Papa I see your traces everywhere I look. There are a lot of things I wish I could say to you. I miss looking into your eyes and say 'estiopek'. I miss your hands, your voice, your advices, our story telling time, our 'walkings', our bonding, your hug and most of all, I miss hearing you say you love me.

I have lots of things I wish I could tell you right now. Papa, I am sorry if it often cross my mind that I don't need teaching in my life. I am sorry if I thought that you're correcting my mistakes just to humiliate me. I would give anything and everything to hear your advice on how to live my life. Papa i just realized that the more I grow up, the more that I need your guidance. I came to the point where I would look up in the sky and ask silently all the things that I wanna ask you. I often think, what would be your opinion about things and about my decisions. Papa even if I know that you cannot physically see what I am now, I wish that whatever I am and whatever I'll become that you'll be proud of me. I wish people could see that I am really your daughter through and through.

Papa I never thanked you enough on how much you loved all of us. You are the only person that I know in this world who have the capability to love as much as you did. Thank you for giving us your best and for being my superhero...for being much more than that. I thank God that i was born to be your daughter, because He gave me a father who loves me unconditionally. You are and will always be my first love. And I am going to make sure that i would let my future children know how amazing their Lolo's capacity to love people. I am hoping that I could somehow be like that.

Papa I know in time we will see each other again. I'll be able to see you eyes, your smile and hear your voice again. And when that time comes, we have eternity to talk about things and let each other feel how much we love each other. I am looking forward on that day. I love you Papa. You are always in my heart. I will always and forever be a proud Papa's girl. Estiopek Papa and I miss you.

Inah

the outsider...

i tried pouring my heart out to him...but he didn't seem to understand...

i've always thought of all the things that's been bothering me a lot lately...i've been thinking of the instances where i felt that i am an outsider...even to my own family...they seem to have this bond where i don't belong, this special tie that i don't fit in...

no, this not just a mere teenage angst..i am way too old for that...but something about everyone at home makes me feel that i am not welcome, that i am not part of it...

i have always been afraid to ask how come they always get the best while i get the excess...or of what was left over...i always think, maybe there will be my turn...but so far the waiting has not been worth it...they still get the best...and i still have the left overs...i am too scared to ask why do i always get the least in everything...it's more than just the things that they have...but even in the most minute details...i always get to be last...

haven't got the courage to say that i want more...that i deserve more...but i guess i still need to look in me and find that courage...